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Time to Eat my Humble Pie

Last week, I was honored with an award from the women’s running group that Picture of humble pieI’m part of and my immediate reaction was, “I don’t deserve that.”

There is a pattern in my thoughts, and maybe yours too, one that says:

“I don’t deserve to have that chocolate cake because I didn’t run today.”

“I don’t deserve to get that promotion at work because what I do is not technical.”

“I don’t deserve to live in my dream house because I’ve made bad choices in the past.”

“I don’t deserve to have fun and be proud of my running because I’m not fast.”

This all made me realize that I need to eat my humble pie. Not in the usual way that expression is used but rather in a metaphorical way, where my pie is made of an excess of humility to the point of making my world view that of being a person of lesser status.

You see the pattern, the one that says – I’m not enough, I’m not worthy, I’m less than – it gets in the way. It blocks the things I desire from entering my life.

This pattern is one that I’ve been trying to turn on its head by changing my thoughts to:

I deserve.

I deserve that chocolate cake.

I deserve that new blouse.

I deserve the gift from a friend.

I deserve that recognition at work.

How might my life be different if I faced my day by recognizing my innate worth? As Maria Shriver says in her essay, I’ve Learned that I Deserve, “It’s not selfish or arrogant. It’s a way to be kind and loving to yourself.”

If I started there – feeling empowered by all that is good – I might more easily fulfill my needs and those of others.

Will I get everything I want and need? Indeed not. Life will still throw injustices and hard times my way as it does to everyone else, but I’ll face it all – the good and the bad – with the strength and power of my worth – because I deserve to give and receive love and all the gifts of the universe.

So please excuse me while I munch on my humility.

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Saying “no” without the guilt

Lately, I’ve had the opportunity to say, “no” to a number of personal and business-related requests, invitations, and, probably nearly a millionNo sign after-school activities for my daughter. It seems mind-boggling sometimes to face the sheer volume of ways that we can use our time.

I have to say that I am somewhat addicted to busyness and can easily fall over a cliff of being so insanely busy, that, well, it makes me act insane. When I get this busy I lose the joy in the activity and in those around me. I lash out, I struggle, and I shutdown some of the areas that are vital to my existence, especially in the realms of relationships and creativity.

Saying “yes” to everything and “doing it all” is definitely toxic for me.  However, I often experience anxiety over saying no. What will other people think? If I’m not busy, what will I do with my time? (And I know I’ve jumped off the metaphorical cliff, when I land at a thought that can be comically summarized as, “If I’m not saving the world, who will?”)

Now imagine what happens when I have one of those unusual days where my schedule is not packed. I start to question my self-worth. If I’m not busy and being productive, what is my purpose for being? (If you’re following this mental condition, then you know that being sick is incredibly difficult for me.)

Being busy is highly valued by me (and by our society), so I often feel guilty about saying “no” and admitting, “I can’t do it all.” I can’t keep a perfectly clean house, work two jobs, balance the family budget, throw an awesome party, exercise until I look like a gym-rat, and keep all my relationships in tip-top shape. (Certainly there must be something I forgot on that list.)  And then there is the other painful realization that, “I don’t do everything well. There are many things that I’m plainly not good at.” Ah, the perfectionist trap!

Some people like to remind me that, I’m not a human doing, I’m a human being. Oh, I love that saying. It’s funny, isn’t it? When have you chatted lately about your beingness? For someone like me, how do I get in touch with my beingness? How do I disconnect from my to-do list and reconnect with my soul?  If you follow this blog, you know the importance of Reiki and nature in my life.  These are essential for me to switch from doing to being. After I’ve done that, I can be more present for my family and myself.

How do you say, “no” and disconnect from busyness and perfectionism? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Wishing you love, light, and the peace of knowing you’re enough exactly as you are!